Everyone knows that bloggers have access to information that the average person does not. And everyone know that bloggers are just like responsible, professional journalists in every way, including the fact that we cannot reveal our sources. It is for that reason that I cannot reveal to you how I came upon the scripts for every single episode of the long awaited fifth season of Mad Men. I can tell you that this will be by far the most interesting season so far, as the following spoilers will reveal.
1. Peggy Olson, growing tired of Don Draper stealing her ideas and taking credit for them, devises an advertising campaign that will surely torpedo his career. She creates an advertising campaign for J. C. Penney that blatantly insults their customers as "old farts, hillbillies, and the hopelessly unhip." Don takes the bait, thinking that as the proposed campaign came from Peggy it must therefore be brilliant, and steals it. Naturally, Don Draper being Don Draper, J. C. Penney loves the campaign and it proves to be successful, increasing their sales by 100%.
2. Jane Sterling learns of Roger's dalliance with Joan Harris and promptly divorces him. Neither is worse the wear for their experience. Roger simply finds another younger woman to marry him. Jane simply marries Bert Cooper.
3. Pete Campbell grows increasingly unhappy with his position at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and looks towards greener pastures. He accepts a position from rival advertising firm McMann and Tate. It is not long afterwards that Pete is mysteriously transformed into a toad.
4. Unhappy with her life and her marriage to Henry Francis, Betty Draper Francis embarks on a journey of self discovery. This ultimately leads her to join the International Society for Krishna Consciousness.
5. Megan Calvert deserts Don Draper at the altar when she decides to return to Montreal. As a result a broken hearted Don Draper gives up on women entirely, but not on having affairs. While mixing drinks in his apartment, he realises his blender is very beautiful...
6. The truth as to why Bobby Draper has been played by four different actors is finally revealed. The real Bobby was killed in an accident years ago and Betty has been hiring child actors to take his place lest Don find out the truth. The Beatles would later use Betty as a consultant when they needed to replace Paul McCartney for similar reasons. Here I must note that Don never noticed that Bobby (and Paul, for that matter) kept changing.
7. Harry Crane, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce's Head of Media, proposes the agency launch a television channel consisting of nothing but music promotional films (later dubbed music videos). The new channel, to be called Music Television or MTV, is vetoed by Don Draper, who worries that the channel might cease playing music videos one day in favour of insipid, poorly made reality shows.
8. Roger Sterling, in the mistaken belief that he is still young and hip, tries out for a new TV show called The Monkees. Needless to say, he is not cast in any of the parts.
9. Don Draper realises he has gone as far as he can at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. What is more he decides that he is tired of advertising and decides to pursue a new vocation--world conquest. He joins an organisation called THRUSH where he swiftly rises up the ranks to become the organisation's leader. In possession of several nuclear warheads, Don very nearly achieves his dream of becoming Emperor of the World when he is foiled by two U.N.C.L.E. agents named Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin.
If you haven't guessed by now, these really aren't spoilers for the fifth season of Mad Men. Even if I knew the spoilers for the fifth season I wouldn't reveal them (I hate it when people spoil a show for me). That having been said, with Mad Men returning tomorrow night, I thought I would have a bit of fun. And if you did happen to believe any of these "spoilers," then I only have to point out that a certain day is only a little over a week away--April Fool's!