"They tell you time is a great healer, but that's a lie. When you lose someone you love, really truly love, the pain never goes away." (Lizzy Thornfield, played by Hayley Mills, in the Midsomer Murders episode "Wild Harvest")
Ever since August 30 2018, there has been a hole in my life that has not nor ever will be filled. It was on that date that actor Vanessa Marquez, best known for the movie Stand and Deliver (1988) and ER, was shot in the back and killed by officers of the South Pasadena, California Police Department. Upon learning of Vanessa's death, I felt as if part of my soul had been torn out. I did not sleep at all that night and I cried for around 13 hours straight. In the darkness of the early morning of August 31, I even considered suicide. Fortunately, I dismissed the because it occurred to me that I had to stay alive to protect her legacy and get her justice. I also thought that if I took my own life Vanessa would be very angry with me (I do believe in an afterlife). Things would improve over time, although it would be well over two years before I would stop crying on a regular basis, or stop experiencing suicidal ideation from time to time. My grief over Vanessa Marquez's death was so intense that I can honestly say that it broke me. For awhile I lost my mind.
I am much better now, but there is still this enormous hole in my life where Vanessa should be. I still miss her so much. What is more, I know that I always will. Today it will have been seven years since she died, and I still break down crying over her from time to time. I still want to call her or text her on the phone. I still want to chat with her on social media. I miss hearing her voice. I miss seeing new photos of her. I miss her.
I guess from experience I should have expected nothing less. At the time of Vanessa's death, my father had been dead for 31 years, my mother for 18 years, and my best friend Brian for 7 years, and I still missed each of them. I should have known it would have been no different with Vanessa. In fact, I should have known it would have been worse. Vanessa and I had been in contact nearly every day for years. We had much in common, and we got along very well. The plain truth is that I love Vanessa more than anyone I have ever known, so it should be no surprise that I would miss her terribly.
Of course, I am not the only one who misses her by any stretch of the imagination. No one misses Vanessa more than her mother. And Vanessa had many close friends who loved her dearly, from her Stand and Deliver (1988) cast mates to her fellow members of TCMParty. Vanessa was nothing if not likeable. She was sweet, warm, and loving. She cared about people, particularly her friends. If one of her friends was sick, she worried about them. If one of her friends was distraught, she would offer words of reassurance. She was always the first person to take up for one of her friends if someone attacked them. Vanessa cared about her friends so much that she could remember things they had said or their favourite movie long after they had said it. She wouldn't even let her friends put themselves down. Anytime I made a joke about myself, she was quick to correct me. I once said, "I used to be cute," and she was quick to reply, "You're still cute, silly!"
Vanessa Marquez was a well-known, talented, and beautiful actress, but she would have been a remarkable woman even if she had never appeared in a movie, TV show, or stage play. When she died, many people mourned her, both friends and fans. For many, like myself, her death leaves a hole that can never be filled. I know that I will miss Vanessa Marquez until my death.
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