The 5th Anniversary of the Death of Vanessa Marquez

Vanessa Marquez

"But what is grief if not love persevering?" (The Vision in the WandaVision episode "Previously On")

At 2:36 PM Pacific Time it will have been five years since actress Vanessa Marquez died. On August 30 2018 she was shot in the back by South Pasadena, California police officers Gilberto Carrillo and Christopher Perez. Ever since she has been mourned by her family, her friends, and her fans. For me it remains the absolute worst day of my life. I am still suffering from trauma from that day, and I still have trouble remembering details from that day.

The plain truth is that Vanessa Marquez was a very special woman. She was a well-known actress who had starred in the classic movie Stand and Deliver (1988) and the hit television show ER. Her other credits included the cult movies Twenty Bucks (1993) and Blood In Blood Out (1993), and the TV shows Wiseguy and Culture Clash. Vanessa was a sweet, warm, loving, intelligent, talented, and beautiful woman who cared deeply for her friends and other people. She was a huge fan of classic movies and adored Audrey Hepburn. She was well-known for her love of Star Wars and had a huge collection of Star Wars memorabilia.

I first encountered Vanessa on Twitter where we were both original members of TCMParty, the loosely organized group of fans who live tweet films shown on Turner Classic Movies. At the same time we also lived tweeted the TV shows Downton Abbey and Mad Men. Vanessa and I soon learned we had a lot in common, including a love of Star Wars, Star Trek, The X-Files, classic movies, classic television shows, and so on. Eventually we would be in touch very nearly every day, through social media, texts, and phone calls. I will not speak as to how Vanessa felt about me, although I know she regarded me as a dear friend, but for my part I fell in love with her. I loved Vanessa more than anyone else in my live.

It was on August 30 2018 that I called Vanessa as usual. When I didn't get an answer, I figured she must be asleep and so I texted her. She replied to me right away and said that she was having severe seizures. She asked me to call for paramedics, which I did. Unfortunately, police officers were also dispatched to her apartment. Once there those police officers behaved in a most inappropriate and unprofessional manner, and Gilberto Carrillo decided to place a 5150 hold on Vanessa. From there things escalated and ultimately the police officers shot Vanessa in the back. She died at 2:36 PM at Huntington Memorial Hospital. Knowing Vanessa as well as I did, it is my firm belief that she was no danger to herself or others and I know for a fact that she was not suicidal. She was simply a woman in need of treatment for seizures. A 5150 hold was entirely unwarranted. I also remain convinced that had I been in Vanessa's apartment that day, the police officers present in her home would have shot me or anyone else there. Nothing will convince me otherwise. (For more on Vanessa's death, read my post "Justice for Vanessa Marquez").

The afternoon of August 30 2018 I had to go to work at our local historical society's museum. I worried about Vanessa the whole time I was there and when I got home I texted her. When I received no reply, I assumed that they must have taken Vanessa to hospital. Still worried about her, I ran a search on the internet to see if there was any news. At 8:00 PM Central Time I learned that there had been an officer involved shooting involving a 49 year old woman at the address of Vanessa's apartment. At that point I began to panic. It was at 11:00 PM Central Time that I learned that Vanessa Marquez had been shot and killed by police. I gave some of our local friends the sad news and then posted the news of her death to both Facebook and Twitter.

I also broke down crying. I went to bed, but I never got to sleep. I simply lay in bed crying non-stop. I even considered taking my own life in the early hours of August 31. I didn't as I realized I had to remain alive to get justice for Vanessa and preserve her legacy. I also realized that Vanessa would be very angry with me if I took my own life (note--I do believe in an afterlife). Ultimately, I would not stop crying until 1:00 PM, Friday, August 31 2018. I also stopped eating. I ate nothing that Friday nor did I eat anything on Saturday. In fact, I wouldn't eat anything until Sunday evening. I would cry every single day that September, usually multiple times. In the coming months I would not cry every single day, but I would cry often and many times the tears just seemed to come out of nowhere. To this day there are still times I will break down crying.

So much has happened since Vanessa's death. Two memorials were held for her. One by various friends in September 2018 and one by her friends and cast members from the movie Stand and Deliver (1988) in October 2018. Her Stand and Deliver cast mate Lydia Nicole started a petition to have Vanessa Marquez included in both SAG and the Academy Awards' on-air In Memoriam segments. Neither SAG nor the Academy did, but the petition reached 12,000 signatures. Ultimately, I think this said more than if Vanessa had been included in either SAG  or the Academy's on-air In Memoriam segments. People loved Vanessa Marquez and enjoyed her many performances over the year. It was in 2019 that I went to California to scatter Vanessa's ashes at the Hollywood Sign with her mother and her Stand and Deliver cast mates Patrick Baca and Daniel Villareal. It was an emotional experience and marked the first time I broke down crying in front of anyone who was not immediate kin. It was in February 2021 that Vanessa's mother reached a settlement with the City of South Pasadena in a wrongful death lawsuit. It was in October 2018 that director Cyndy Fujikawa conceived a documentary on Vanessa's career and tragic death. That documentary, Ninety Minutes Later, has since been completed and made its premiere at the SAFILM-San Antonio Film Festival earlier this month.

Sadly, Vanessa's case is not an isolated one. Latinos are shot by police at a rate disproportionate to their population in the United States. Between 2014 and May 2021, 2600 Latinos were killed by police. And while, contrary to much of what has been reported, the police were not there to make a "welfare check" on Vanessa (I called paramedics to treat her for seizures), many welfare checks also end in police officers killing the very people they were sent to check on. From 2019 to 2021, 178 welfare checks ended in an officer involved shooting. Here I must point out that while the vast majority of individuals killed by police are men, there have been many women who have been shot by police as well. In 2018 alone 53 women were shot by police. What makes Vanessa's case remarkable is that unlike many officer involved shootings of Latinos, as well as those people killed during welfare checks, is that it received national media coverage. No officer involved shootings of Latinos have received the sort of media coverage that the murder of George Floyd did, let alone the sort of media coverage that Vanessa's murder did.

One of the most difficult things I have had to deal with in the wake of Vanessa's death is that, like many Americans, I was raised to trust and respect police officers. I come from a family where many of my kinfolk have served in law enforcement and I have friends who are police officers. When officers from the South Pasadena Police Department shot Vanessa in the back and killed her, it then felt like a betrayal. After having lived with this case for five years and having examined the facts in the case, from the autopsy report to small portions of the bodycam video (I cannot bring myself to watch all of it) to the Complaint for Damages filed on behalf of Vanessa's mother, I still believe that the two officers who shot Vanessa behaved in a manner most unbefitting for police officers and used excessive force in dealing with her. To this day I am convinced that both of the police officers who shot and killed Vanessa belong in prison. I certainly would not trust either of them with my life or anyone else's.

Five years later I am still mourning Vanessa Marquez, as are many others. As I said earlier, Vanessa was a very special woman. She had many friends and, like me, those friends are still grieving her to this day. She also had many fans who were saddened to learn of her death. Vanessa was much more than a talented actress who appeared in a classic movie and the number one show of its day. She was an intelligent, warm, caring, loving woman with a great sense of humour who was swift to take up for her friends and genuinely cared for other people. For me she will always remain the one person I love above all others, even my immediate family. I know I will miss her until the day I die.