I have written about this before, but for those new to the blog, the fact is that Vanessa Marquez and I were very close. We first encountered each other on Twitter live tweeting movies on Turner Classic Movies and episodes of Mad Men and Downton Abbey. We soon learned we had much in common beyond classic movies and Mad Men, including a love of Star Wars, Star Trek, and other science fiction shows, a love of old music, an interest in popular culture, and shared political views. Eventually we were in touch every day, through social media and later texts and phone calls I considered Vanessa my closest friend and she called me her favourite friend. We never met in person, but our nearly constant contact made up for that.
It was then that the events of August 30, 2018, shook me to my core. The night of her death my heart was pounding so hard and fast that I thought I might have a heart attack or a stroke. What is more, I didn't really care if I did. The fact is that night I experienced something I never had before, suicidal ideation. What is more,it would reoccur over the next several months. I cried every single day during the month of September, usually multiple times. Afterwards, I would still cry over Vanessa regularly for some time afterwards.
Indeed, after Vanessa's death I think I very nearly lost my mind. There were times when I really couldn't think straight, when I was overly suspicious of people and I could be overly emotional. Dominating this entire period was an overwhelming sense of sorrow. It was difficult to find any real meaning in life.
I am much better than I was then, but I am still grieving Vanessa Marquez. There is still this hole in my life where she should be, and I still miss her terribly. I suppose I should have expected that. Ron, my best friend from college, has been dead for nearly 40 years, and I still miss him. My parents have been dead for a long time and I still miss them. My best friend Brian had been dead for 15 years now and I still miss him. I loved Vanessa more than anyone except close family, so it is natural that I would still miss her.
Indeed, I do not think grief ever goes away. There is no recovering from grief. When you really, truly love someone, you will always feel the loss. There will always be this hole in your life that can never, ever be filled. You learn to live with grief. You learn to accept it. But you will never fully stop grieving. And perhaps that it is as it should be. I have quoted it before, but there is a line from the WandaVision episode "Previously On" that I think is all too true. Quite simply, Vision tells Wanda, "But what is grief if not love persevering?" You will never completely stop grieving someone you love, just as you will never stop loving them.
And, as I once told a mutual friend, Vanessa was very easy to love. It wasn't because she was a beautiful and talented actress who had appeared in a classic movie (Stand and Deliver) and the number one show of its day (ER).. It's because she was a sweet, loving, intelligent, and funny woman who truly cared about her friends and other people. If one of her friends was attacked, Vanessa was the first to take up for them. If one of her friends was sick, she would worry about them. She was happy when her friends were doing well and sad when they weren't. Vanessa never missed a birthday or an anniversary, and could remember the smallest minutiae about her friends. She was quite possibly the most remarkable woman I ever knew, and I will love her forever.
In the eight yeas since Vanessa's death, I have accepted that I will always miss her and that I will always grieve over her. I know that there will be those times, although they are spaced farther apart than right after she died, that I will break down crying over her. I know there will be those times when I feel her absence more sharply than others. In the end, I don't think we ever get over the deaths of those we love. Grief never completely goes away. It remains with us for the rest of our lives.
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